So in the lovely state of Minnesota, we are rapidly approaching the elections of 2012. On the ballot this year, you will find a MN Marriage Amendment and, if passed, it would add a constitutional amendment making gay marriage illegal(er) and creating a large hurdle to overcome to achieve the level of equality that should be reserved for every single person.
In my search for a higher level of enlightenment, I went to straight to the source (hahaha, straight…get it?). It is my absolute pleasure to present to you..”My Conversation with a Gay” (it is like a Barbara Walter’s interview, but with less of a speech impediment and more catered to those that are still able to breathe without a machine).
My Conversation….With a Gay (DuunduunnnDUUUUNNNNN!)
Ninja: So Gay, what has brought to my studio apartment on this brisk Fall day?
Gay: Wine… wait, the promise of alcohol (we don’t like to discriminate here). To be specific, the promise of a fine Chardonnay and by fine, I mean free.
Ninja: What would our ninja readers need to know about you?
Gay: Well, we already hit on the alcoholism…but….I am in fact (are you all sitting down?) a homosexual.
Ninja: (GASP!!!) So, what are your qualifications as a “gay person”??
Gay: I’m clean, I have two cats, and I take it in the ass.
Ninja: Well, that certainly sums it up nicely. Gay, please tell me, how was your, how do they put it…. coming out experience?
Gay: To sum it up using Andrew Lloyd Weber (ninja sidenote: you guys would)… I wore a mask over half my face for most of my life and sang show tunes to myself, in the basement.
Ninja: I don’t know what the fuck that means.
Gay: Let’s just say, it was hard.
Ninja: hahahaha…..hard. So, I hear you have an agenda and this agenda is to destroy civilization as we know it. Please explain Gay.
Gay: You will never see it coming. First, we infiltrate your daily activities, like when you get your hair done. THEN we start to dress you. Then we go through your women. They start to like us more, they begin to want to have slumber parties and go to the mall together. We talk about boys and how they “just don’t understand” and from that point on….we are in.
Ninja: I knew you guys were up to something. Damn you Tim Gunn! I love your show! I will make it work, dammit!
Ninja: So, this upcoming agenda, is it safe to assume that you will be voting “NO”?
Gay: DUH (he says flamboyantly with his head cocked to the side and wrists flapping in the breeze).
Ninja: So, being an individual who is planning on voting NO this November (go out and vote no), what are some of the objections you have come across whilst campaigning against the addition of this specific amendment?
Gay: Besides ignorance, indifference and bigotry?
Ninja: Yes, besides the obvious…
Gay: well, the first one of the big three is religion.
Ninja: Are you a religious person?
Gay: Though I was brought up catholic, I found that their disdain for what I felt was my natural lifestyle (my persuasion for penis, in case you were confused), would be a hindrance on my inevitable acceptance into this particular denomination.
Ninja: Fair enough. What exactly do they (being the ignorant) have to say about your personal preference for whom you choose to love and put your penis your in or around?
Gay: They say that I am an abomination on society.
Ninja: You mean like, the snowman?
Gay: Damn you are dumb, no. If you want to go down the list, it would be 1. mentally ill 2. perverted 3. a child molester and 4. a person who wants to marry a goat.
Ninja: So what if say, a woman likes it, how do we put it….in the butt? Is that woman not a sinner?
Gay: No, I just assume they enjoy the finer things in life. (as he carefully swirls his wine so not to spill on his perfectly tailored outfit).
Ninja: Anything else you would like to say about the religious standpoint on your particular lifestyle?
Gay: If I don’t believe in your God why should I believe in His antiquated biography?
Gay: I am fine with people believing in what they believe in. Just, don’t force your dogma on me because it doesn’t fit with who I am. This country was founded on avoiding religious persecution. Seems as though we are taking a step back 200 years and that’s not the way humanity should progress.
Ninja: So, what would you consider to be the second most prevalent argument against your cause?
Ninja: I think kids are a great argument against anything. Like, having fun, drinking beer, doing shots, living in a clean house, having money, traveling…
Gay: Yes, all of those things. They think that if gay marriage becomes legal, it will have to be taught in schools, which means kids will know about it younger, which means they will question their sexuality younger, and begin to experiment at a younger age… Basically, you are comparing us to Philip Morris. We are BIG GAY TOBACCO and we have to hook ‘em while they’re young!
Ninja: So, what you are saying is being gay is a choice in their eyes? What is your opinion on that?
Gay: I had my first boy crush when I was 10 so….probably not.
Ninja: Did you parents encourage you to play with glitter or barbie dolls or dress you up in skirts?
Gay: They put me in gymnastics and dance…..but I stuck with and liked it – I got to wear sequins and spandex! But, that didn’t make me gay….liking boys did.
Ninja: What you’re saying is that you weren’t “taught” to be gay by a school teacher or a boy scouts troop leader?
Gay: I would have probably liked it if I was… but, no. My parents raised me like every other kid, tween, teen, and young adult. The fact that i turned out to be a hose-huffer didn’t come from how I was raised or educated.
Ninja: Hose-huffer? That is a new one to me!
Gay: You’re welcome. I was taught that boys liked girls, men married women, and penis’ went in vagina’s… I tried to fit that mold twice, but in the end (no pun intended), it wasn’t what I wanted. And that won’t change.
Ninja: That sounds as though it makes a large amount of sense! What is the third reason you have found by the ignorant public to call you a sinner?
Ninja: Like Christmas? And having sex on your wedding night? Saving your virginity for marriage?? OH WAIT…that doesn’t happen either.
Gay: Man you are still dumb (Ninja sidenote: Did you expect that to change in 30 minutes?) No, the thought that it is how it has always been and it is how it always should be. If we still believe in “tradition” then slaves would still be pickin’ cotton and women would still be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
Ninja: And we know how little us bitches like to be in the kitchen! Thank freaking GOD? for change. Why should we let you marry?
Gay: WHY NOT is the better question. We want to show our love, we want to commit ourselves, and we want to be as miserable as you breeders. Take me, I want to show my love to my fiance Keith, I want to commit myself to him, and I want to adopt Nicaraguan crack babies with him. We already argue like we’re married, why not go through with the whole thing and actually fight as a married couple? Even more, I want to see an episode of gay divorce court. That shit would be over the top and hilarious!
Ninja: I concur good sir. I would watch the hell out of that show! So what is the key take away from this conversation?
Gay: Don’t think of yourself, think of others. The constitution was put in place ot protect rights, not to take them away. Gays are people too.
This blog was done by myself and a very good friend that I adore. He is a gay man (obviously) in this state and the fact that any single person in this state has their fucking personal rights and freedoms being voted upon – is appalling to me. This blog was written to inform as well as to entertain you. Obviously “ninja” being me…is not as stupid nor as ignorant as portrayed in this writing session. The point of this interaction was to show how absolutely ridiculous anyone in support of this amendment sounds.
I hope that you all get out there, vote NO and help preserve the foundation of which this country was founded. Freedom of choice, personal expression, and the ability to do what makes you happy… if you aren’t harming anyone else, who the FUCK am I to say you are wrong. Now people, pull your head directly out of your ass…and learn something. Learn that just because someone else wants to marry a man, a woman, another consenting thing…. doesn’t mean you have to. How does it harm you if they have health care and can wear over priced wedding rings as well?
If I have offended you in anyway, you should most likely not be reading my blog. So, good riddance. From my good friend here, if you feel as though you do not have a solid opinion on the matter or that it doesn’t affect you, do not vote. Use your freedom to NOT vote.
Thank you for reading.
Michelle (the more dick you suck, the less I have to!) Lynn
P.S. I would like to thank Arthur (“the gay”) for his contributions to this blog. I would also like to thank him for sharing copious amounts of alcohol with me during the writing of this blog. I enjoy you, I love you, I support the shit out of you! Thank you for coming over and sharing your humor and knowledge.